1stknight | PSL (closed)

Oh, fine.

[The first thing Dazai did once the door was closed was to shrug off his coat and carelessly toss it over the back of a chair. The second was to fish out a few tins of canned crab. He wasn't in the mood for anything fancy, he wanted to have his usual comfort food for a change, and the rice cooker can bother with the rice.]

So what were you saying earlier, before Archer rudely interrupted?

[Eew, crab. Bedivere was too tired to argue over the health qualities of canned crab. Instead, he waved for Dazai to come over and sit next to him.]

I need mana from you. The more physical contact, the faster I get it.

[Nutritional quality is irrelevant in the face of exhaustion.

Exhibit A: Dazai snacking directly from the can while waiting for the rice to cook. At least he was using chopsticks?]

And we can clearly agree that the faster we can get over from our downtime, the better it will be for us.

Which brings me to the next topic: you declared earlier you'd rather exclude sex as a means of recovery. Is that correct?

[Ah, there it was. Bedivere sighed at the crab-eating, but he tried to keep an even voice as he answered.]

I have no personal experience in such matters, but I have seen close relations like that destroy friendships and fracture kingdoms. And...I don't want to get my hopes and expectations up. That wouldn't be fair to you.

"Hopes and expectations?"

[The rest was understandable, but not that. Was Dazai missing something here? Or did Bedivere really have performance anxiety?]

I don't care if you're a virgin, Saber, if that's the issue. We all have to start from somewhere. The way you said it, however - by any chance, were you an avid reader of romantic stories? The horizontal tango can be messier than they make it sound.

That is not it! The amount of romance stories I have read have nothing to do with this!

[Yep. He was an avid reader of romance stories and had mental images of what would happen during sex. Mental images that he couldn't see himself fitting into, because he didn't see himself as a desirable partner.

His expression absolutely gave him away too.]

[Oh boy. That face.]

Okay then.

[Dazai's pretty sure that's it, but -]

Then what kind of hopes are you expecting to be dashed? Just so you know, I only flirt with people I find attractive, though I will be toning that down given that you seem to be attracted to someone else entirely.

I-I'm not attracted to anyone, Dazai!

[Really, he wasn't. He just deeply admired his king and had his first naughty dream the previous night and didn't know what to do about that.

Mortified, Bedivere reached up to cover his face with his hand.]

I'm not even sure why you insist on calling me attractive. You know that I am a plain knight, yes? Tristan or Gawain are far more attractive than me.

[He didn't mention Arturia because his attraction to her had more to do with her personality than her looks, and he was talking more about looks currently. Tristan and Gawain had no shortage of women fawning over their looks, so they could be considered attractive.]

I'm not talking to them, am I? I'm talking to you, and clearly you have no idea how fetching you look with a blush coloring your face.

[He cleared his throat and reached for a canned crab #2. Time to pull back a little from showing his own interests.]

You can't fool me, by the way - there's a difference between just respecting a person and looking smitten, and you're clearly the latter

...

[It was hard to accept, given the circumstances. And the fact that the Arturia he was smitten with was someone who didn't exist anymore, and likely would never again. The holy lance had changed her too much, and had likely corrupted her saint graph.

He glanced away, unable to make eye contact with Dazai.]

It doesn't matter. My king is long dead and gone, and I am a heroic spirit now. Even if our paths were to cross again, one of us would die in a Grail War. Assuming we could both be summoned at the same time anyway, since I imagine our classes overlap.

I know you are trying to help, Master, but there is no helping it. It's better to be fond of the past without chasing after those ghosts.

...ah.

[Something about that wording was uncomfortable, bringing to mind how much he was tempted to resurrect Odasaku. And here's the kicker: he could try and set it up in such a way that no one apart from himself and Bedivere would know what happened, and Odasaku could carry on living his life in relative anonymity, untouched by the Mafia even after he publishes his book.

Given how distracted he was, Dazai narrowly avoided biting down his thumb while feeding himself more canned crab, and shook his hand to the side.]

That's a courageous way of going about things.

Then, given the circumstances - with inexperience and previous attractions being non-issues - what would you like to do?

[What DID he want to do? Strictly speaking, they probably could get by without having sex. Holding hands for the night and some of the day after would get them back on track, and since the War hadn't started in earnest they could afford that time. But skipping it now would just push this roadblock until later, when they might not have the time to sort through feelings and awkwardness.

Besides, Dazai looked like he could use a distraction too.]

I would like to not think about anything for the night. I don't have any practical experience, but I've heard it is good for that?

[He inhaled, his hand missing the can.]

--- that's a yes?

[Dazai had to remember to not get ahead of himself, regardless of how personally fond he was of Bedivere.]

Then, after dinner, let's shower separately [or together, his mind supplied, he really wouldn't mind] and see how things go in bed. Under the right circumstances, you're right - it can be a good relaxant of distraction.

[Something dawned on him then. Was Bedivere even given The Talk?]

On the off-chance: does your knowledge of the modern era happen to include safe sex practices?

It is a yes, Master.

[That one-track mind of Dazai's was endearing, in a way. It made the corner of Bedivere's mouth twitch up in amusement.]

Shower, then bed. Alright.

And don't worry, I know about safe sex. I will be sure to remove my arm before we do anything, so as to not risk hurting either of us with it.

[Yeah, he had no clue what safe sex was.]

Uh-huh. [Dazai wanted to think he was getting the hang of spotting the instances when Bedivere wanted to avoid embarrassing himself, but the guy was smooth if he wasn't caught off-guard and blushing.] That'd be nice.

[The rice had just finished cooking. Dazai will return to the table bearing the unplugged rice cooker, two bowls, an extra set of chopsticks for Bedivere.

It's a lazy dinner, all things considered.]

I know contraceptive herbs were used [obviously not applicable to their situation] but was there a medieval equivalent of a condom?

[Bedivere's smoothness was usually him just being earnest, as he was not intentionally smooth at all. But earnest people had their own charm too, and that smile that had grown on his face was certainly a pretty one.

Bedivere stayed where he was against the wall, not wanting to move until he had to. But he did take the bowl of rice with a quiet 'thanks', and he started to nibble at it.]

What's a condom?

[Oh boy.

He bit the inside of his cheek.

By virtue of being the cute vanilla guy Dazai wanted to bang and generally have a fun time with before they parted ways, Bedivere was spared from troll-levels of teasing.

It was cutting back on the horrific descriptions that forced Dazai to really consider his words.

He can do this. Pretending that he was talking to Kyouka helped immensely.]

I'll show you one later. It's a rubber scabbard, if you will, that's very helpful in cutting back on unplanned pregnancies and venereal diseases.

[Thank you for sparing the trolling, Dazai. The gentle way of explaining condoms certainly emboldened Bedivere to make an actually funny comment.]

Are you worried about an unplanned pregnancy, Master? Because if you are, then I must be the bearer of bad news there.

[Nom nom that rice was good. Watching Dazai's reaction was good too.]

[Bedivere carried the innocent look too well and it was beautiful.

Dazai's chest throat from keeping a laugh in, and his smile was suspiciously crooked.]

Thanks for asking, but I'm not. The only thing I'm carrying to term is my gestating anticipation.

Ah? Has it been growing for that long?

[Bedivere should have known better, Dazai had been flirting with him for several days at that point.

His bowl of rice was mostly gone by then, And he chanced a look at Dazai's to make sure he was eating.]

[Dazai winked. Time to downplay the personal importance of that bit of info with more jokes.

(What he failed to take into account, perhaps, is Bedivere's sincerity, and the likelihood he'd look past the joke and into the meat of it.)]

Enough to kick and give back aches.

[Not to worry, he's been eating! Really. More crab than rice out of habit. Also noticing every time Bedivere looked at his bowl.]

Maybe swollen ankles.

How comfortable are you moving with only one arm?

[Har de har, so funny Dazai.]

I will be fine. I was without an arm for many years, you know. I learned how to live just fine without one. I could even tie the strings for my cape one-handed.

[Since Dazai was actually eating though, Bedivere would finish his rice instead of insisting that Dazai eat it.]

Really?

[That was the inevitable outcome, sure, but it was no less impressive to hear. Maybe because Bedivere didn't sound bitter or haunted over the loss.]

I had my arm in a cast once. [Okay, maybe twice.] You'll have to show me how to do things that way, because there are only so many things I can grip with my knees to twist the caps off.

It's more about relearning how to do things one-handed. Like so-

[He did have his metal arm on, but he still reached up to undo the ribbon holding one of his braids. Then, carefully, he retied it one-handed. It certainly took longer, but it was a practiced motion that he completed smoothly.]

[Without a doubt, Dazai looked intrigued. He had a professional curiosity when it came to improving the dexterity of his fingers, and a not-so-professional interest in seeing what else Bedivere can do with one hand.

Tiny steps first.

He held out a hand, lining it up to the tail end of that braid.]

May I?

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