1stknight | PSL (closed)

They- haaah!

[His sentence turned into a sharp exhale of breath. It was hard to even think about anything, what with how Dazai's touch drew his attention with every slide of his hand. It even made his own hand stutter for a moment, though he quickly picked up his movements with a renewed sense of pace, squeezing a bit firmer like Dazai just had. His head was muck and answer was similarly distracted.]

It- they would say it's a heat that burns like a fire- Dazai!

Ah?

[The new pace definitely caught him off-guard, his arm tightening around Bedivere's waist. Hiding was hard like this, the fine tremors running through his form palpable, and he could only try to continue speaking and pretend his voice remained steady.]

- hah, of course. [He exhaled, ending a stroke a little more firm when he got to the tip, and repeated the cycle again. If Bedivere kept it up, Dazai would soon lose his own sense of rhythm and shift to urging the other towards completion.] And to a moth, you're a flame.

[Even if hiding was hard, Bedivere was definitely pressing his face against the crook of Dazai's neck. His quick, harsh breaths ghosted over Dazai's skin as he fought to keep his hips still. The urge to thrust up into Dazai's hand was maddening. But he swore to endure, to stay in place, and no his legs were trembling from the effort.

He did his best to mimic what Dazai was doing, firming up his strokes and going a little faster too. He didn't have another arm to hold onto Dazai with, so he had to trust Dazai to keep them both upright. The way his body tingled, like a white-hot light building up inside of him, it made him feel antsy. Every moment he didn't reach whatever it was building up to, he got more impatient.]

It's- It feels weird. It's like I'm burning up inside, I don't know what to do.

[Other than maybe rut against Dazai's hand to get more friction, but he was still forcing himself to stay seated.]

Let it happen.

[The kiss he left on his neck was sloppier than before and Dazai, for one, had zero qualms about thrusting into Bedivere's hand, his own grip around the other's waist a vice. And perhaps that's what clued him that something was different - the way Bedivere shook held admirable restraint, but... ah.

He drew a line up Bedivere's jaw with his tongue, ending with a nibble on the earlobe.]

You can move, hmm?

[Unless Bedivere wanted to edge himself, but that could come later if they planned a reprisal. He shifted his grip, and the awkward angle of his arm was worth the freedom of sliding his thumb on the underside of the head before teasing the tip.]

Let it happen, Bedivere.

[Move, right. He could move. Though any thought of moving was quickly overshadowed by the feel of that thumb on his tip, distracting and delicious at the same time. And then those words, spoken so softly into his ear, they were what really pushed him over the edge.]

Ah-

[That was the closest thing to a warning that Dazai got. Because moments later he felt something spill over in his body like a shock of energy to every inch of himself, and he gasped loudly against Dazai's neck as he also spilled over into Dazai's hand. It wasn't really a thrust, but he moved a little bit forward, leaning more of his weight on Dazai as he rode out his orgasm. Heavy panting mixed with unintelligible whines as he became a sweaty wreck in Dazai's arms.]

[He wasn't too far gone yet, and he tightened his arm as Bedivere jerked into him, pressing a soothing kiss to the other's neck. This moment he committed to memory, from the lovely sounds Bedivere made; the way he trembled, so different from his reserved demeanor, to the fiery restlessness still crawling beneath his own skin.

Dazai smiled, suspecting that Bedivere's hip might bear the mark of his hand until morning, and once he felt the other man could support his own weight again, Dazai rutted against him to completion.]

Bedivere. I'm -

[He curled around Bedivere tightly as he came, muffling a gasp on the other's neck.]

[Even as the trembling died down, Bedivere stayed right there, pressed up against Dazai. He felt sticky and sweaty and a little gross, but he also felt absolutely content in a way he had never felt before. The closest thing he could compare it to was the buzz of excitement after a rewarding day of training, or the thrill of being alive after a close battle. But neither of those were completely right either. This was similar, and yet different at the same time.

He didn't speak for a long time. Partially because he didn't know what to say, and partially because he wanted to preserve that moment. Even if he logically knew that getting attached to Dazai was a bad idea, he had fallen for that man already. And something about the tingly afterglow of sex made him fall for Dazai even more.

He let go of Dazai, and he held up his hand to look at. It had dribbles of come on it, which mixed with the lube to make quite a mess. He should wipe it on something, but there weren't any towels nearby...]

...um. Thank you.

[He felt kind of awkward saying that. Was that normal, to thank someone after sex? The mana Dazai provided him with was sufficient, he felt pretty energized. But somehow the sex itself felt more important than the mana.]

[Well. This was awkward.

Being thanked like this, of all things, was the polite cherry atop a sundae some thought of as sin, and Dazai couldn't help but chuckle. He held Bedivere's waist still, reluctant to release him after the shaking of his limbs had subside, but Bedivere looking at his messy hand was a reminder of necessity.]

You're welcome.

[Dazai's tone was quiet before he reached for a tissue box tucked away in a low side table, as if he feared the rest of the moment would crumble. He took a few squares before holding out the box to Bedivere in offering.]

Time to clean up, I suppose, and hunt for any wet spots.

[Bedivere took the tissues, giving another quiet 'thank you' in return. The act of cleaning his hand took him a moment though, and it gave him time to listen to Dazai talk. Dazai was a chatterbox, so hearing him go so relatively quiet during sex was an interesting change. But now that the moment was over, he was back to chatting. And it left Bedivere with questions.]

Wet spots?

[Wiping himself down gave him enough time to recollect himself. That included the very specific task of delaying the realization that he just did that with Bedivere and condemned himself to suffer more realistic fantasies.]

If any of this [he waved the crumpled ball of tissue he now held before tossing it at the nearby trash bin] got on the futon.

[He was marginally more relaxed now, for all that he felt the surprising urge to curl up with Bedivere on bed, and as he sat down, he found his gaze straying to the other's body]

...ah.

[He wouldn't point those marks out if he was asked, and he rather hoped Bedivere wouldn't be upset over them when he looked at the mirror]

Ah?

[Bedivere looked down at the futon upon hearing that. The mess was mostly on their bodies, but there were some sweat stains and a few drips that had escaped the tangle of limbs. Seeing the mess, and their naked bodies too, it made Bedivere's cheeks color with embarrassment. He was suddenly a bit too aware of their situation.]

Ah. We did, yes.

[He hastily reached down to clean up those drips, and also shifted how he was sitting to try and feel a bit less exposed. He did not notice the bruises or hickeys yet, though.]

[He noticed the shift and tried not to comment.

'Tried' being the operative word here, because this had to be one of the more (if not most) awkward post-sex talk, and the nice post-orgasmic haze had drifted away, making reality noticeable.]

So we did.

Congratulations on taking one more step on the path to self-discovery, Saber. How are modern-day customs treating you so far?

[It was awkward, but first times always were. With experience and practice, each time after would become less awkward.

Bedivere was hoping they would have the chance to do it in the future, aft least. Now that he had done it, sex was actually pretty awesome and he definitely wanted to do it again in the future. He was already thinking about how he and Dazai could have more fun with it, with shifted positions and one of them laying on the other, or maybe with both of their dicks pressed up together while they stroked each other.

Ah. But those thoughts were distracting, and he needed to not be distracted.]

It's, ah...it's nothing like what I expected. But it was good. I liked it. And I think I know what to do for next time.

[He of course zoomed in on it being modern-day sexual customs, and he answered in earnest.]

['Next time,' Bedivere said, and Dazai became very preoccupied with feeling out the sheets on his side of the bed, fluffing his pillow, that sort of thing.

On the plus side, his earlier thoughts that this was a one-off thing were immediately invalid. His elation that moment felt too good to be true, and a million other doubts that presented themselves as statements came to mind.

Sexual encounters, strictly speaking, weren't necessarily tied to things like love and affection. Never mind that Bedivere, romantic that he was, might be inclined to link those two anyway, but Dazai's bad habit of finding the worst case scenario meant that he never really entertained this possibility.]

Glad to be assistance. I have to ask, though - are you expecting another near-death experience so soon?

[Because the other thing his mind had zoomed in on was Bedivere's devotion to duty. Dazai didn't think the knight would be inclined to having sex for pure leisure. If he was wrong, of course, Bedivere was more than welcome to correct the mistaken assumption.]

[He did expect near-death experiences soon, because they were going to be fighting Berserker before too long. That fight was going to be a difficult one, and if he did win then they would need a lot of rest and recovery. Possibly even a night full of 'recovery'.

But he had to admit that wasn't what he was thinking of when he made the offer of 'next time'. His thoughts were a touch more selfish than 'to pass on mana for a battle.']

Ah, well- there is always that possibility, but this War might go on for several weeks, and-

[He blanched and looked away, realizing how selfish that desire was, and how it wasn't fair to put that on Dazai.]

O-only if you want to. I wouldn't dream of imposing on you if it's unwanted.

[That initial burst of words, though.

Dazai smiled, flopping back on the futons once he was done cleaning up, and striking a provocative pose with his yukata still untied. The action had more courage than what he truly felt, in bot that moment and about his own part in their dynamic.]

I'm open to the possibility. Holding hands in bed is still an adorable activity, mind, but seeing your reactions while we do the horizontal tango is rather fascinating.

We weren't even horizontal for it.

[He could at least get the innuendo there.

Also, that pose drew Bedivere's attention, but as soon as he saw what Dazai was doing he blushed and looked away. Time to busy himself with grabbing his yukata and slipping it on! He didn't bother tying it shut though, he just wrapped it around himself and laid down next to Dazai.]

As far as private activities go, I liked what we did tonight more than holding hands.

[As much as it made his face burn, it felt important to say that.]

...you did?

[He wasn't sure what surprised him more - Bedivere outright admitting it, or Bedivere lumping all this under the category 'private activities' instead of something like 'mana transfers.' Sounded more intimate that way.

...had he been misreading the situation the entire time?

Dazai remained cautious of this conclusion, unwilling to give himself a false sense of hope. Or a sense of hope that, well. Would lead to a goodbye sooner than he'd like.

He cleared his throat.]

That's good. If handholding happened to be better than tonight, something is wrong.

['I already want to do it again and it's only been five minutes since the last time.'

But no, he couldn't admit to that. Never. He couldn't let sex become a distraction during the Grail War, he needed to be focused on fighting and winning.]

One being better doesn't mean we should avoid the other though. We can still hold hands while you sleep. Or, ah, lay next to each other. We are both undressed enough that there will be physical contact.

[That suggestion to lie next to each other was where Dazai's brain was now stuck at, because wanting something was equal parts delight and misery.]

Sounds about right.

[So before he could talk himself out of it, he rolled over to pillow his head on Bedivere's shoulder while he faced away, his back lined up on the other's side, and messily pulled the blanket over them. It's the flimsiest way of stopping this from becoming too real.]

There we go.

[oh, hello Dazai. Nice to see you here.

Well, Bedivere couldn't suppress the warm chuckle that bubbled up in his chest. He decided to let Dazai lay there, and he got comfortable under those blankets.

He also slipped his arm around Dazai's waist loosely, bringing them just a little bit closer.]

Sleep well, Dazai.

[Oh. But that was warm.]

You too... Bedivere.

[A quiet ache stirred in his chest, and he stubbornly closed his eyes, his arm settling over Bedivere's with the blanket between them. Until he drifted off to sleep, his ear was tuned to the sound of Bedivere breathing - since when had he been able to trust someone like this?

Even his dreams were a confusing jumble of past and present. Here was Odasaku, saying something so ridiculous with a straight face and making Dazai laugh. Here was Odasaku with five newly-orphaned children, taking them in even if he didn't have an immediate gameplan. Here was Atsushi fishing him out of the barrel on the morning of his entrance examination, the most curious blend of sass, gullibility, and skepticism bundled around open sincerity. Atsushi, escaping with Q's doll after a very long fall from the Guild's airship, lying on the ground heavily injured until Dazai found him. Atsushi, who went through all that just as Dazai betted he would, because he had the admirable quality of struggling against adversity for the sake of doing what was right.

He'd be in a somber mood when he wakes up unexpectedly an hour or so before dawn, in need ]of a glass of water.

[Bedivere's dreams that night were of a similar struggle, though without the positive note that Dazai's had.

His dreams were of a hope spot, of wandering a desert full of craters and hearing rumors of knights in shining armor, of thinking finally, finally he had found what he was looking for. After countless years, his journey would finally come to an end.

He dreamed of seeing his king- changed, for sure, his king had never been that busty before- and the knights by the king's side. Gawain and Lancelot, and he presumed the others were nearby as well. It was hard to see them at this distance, but it was them.

Bedivere felt a wave of nostalgia at seeing his old friends, and a small smile appeared on his face.

"Begin the selection."

A bright light shone over the crowd in front of him. He was far enough away, tucked under some rubble, that nobody seemed to notice him. But what was that light? What was the selection? The smile on Bedivere's face dropped into confusion as the lights glowed more brightly around a handful of the hundred or so people there.

Lancelot stepped forward, escorting those five people into the high walls of the city behind him. But Gawain and the King remained, looking over all of those left. Gawain's gaze was unsteady, nervous, and it made Bedivere nervous too. What was going on here?

The King looked to her loyal knight standing beside him. "Eliminate the extras."

Bedivere could only watch in horror as his trusted friend Gawain pulled out his sword and brought it down on the helpless in front of him, all by the orders of his beloved King. The screams etched their way into his mind, sure to haunt his dreams for many nights to come.

The heavy weight of sorrow, fear, confusion, and above all else guilt kept his body from moving. He clutched his arm to his chest, trying to force down the scream that was trying to force its way out. All he could do was watch until the tears stinging at his eyes blurred his vision.

It's all my fault.

It's all my fault!

When Dazai woke up early, Bedivere would be gone. He had gone into spirit form when his own dream had upset him too much to sleep. Curiously, his silver arm was also gone from the table, as that seemed to disappear when he did.]

[He absently patted Bedivere's side of the bed - imagine that, someone had a side of the bed with him - to feel out how warm (or cool) it was.

Well.

He could still feel Bedivere's anguish in the way his stomach rolled, a sour tang climbing up the back of his mouth. Instead of just getting a glass of water, Dazai hunted down a candy bar and broke off a piece, never mind that he wouldn't be able to get back to sleep easily thanks to the sugar, to try and rid himself of the taste.

So Bedivere had wandered to search for Camelot again - or, at least, a place where his king and the other knights might have gathered. Except weren't they supposed to have died? And the very selection that took place in that dream was far from merciful.

A second glass of water later, and he trudged back to bed with a sigh. Dazai might've lain down again on the futon, now facing the spot Bedivere had left, but his drowsiness wasn't enough to counter the multitude of questions he had.]

...Saber?

I'm here, Master.

[The answer wasn't spoken aloud, but rather it echoed through Dazai's head. It probably would have been better to manifest in the room and face Dazai directly, but his heart still ached from his dreams. If Dazai requested it he would, but for now he waited to see what Dazai would say. Dazai looked drowsy, so maybe his question would be a simple one to answer.]

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